| I've got a problem... |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|04:31 am] |
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but i'm not going to ask for help because i need to be self reliant. People are not reliable nor honest most of the times and i'm growing tired of tying to do that for others. All i want to know is who is ready to go binge drinking like tommorrow will never roll around? I'm at least able to drink now so might as well. Never had any lack of trust in booze at least. |
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| I am |
[Jul. 28th, 2008|11:24 am] |
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realizing that some people don't deserve to be called friends and i'm growing tired of trying to convince myself there is still hope for them to change. |
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| I'm so tired... |
[Jul. 3rd, 2008|02:43 pm] |
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I haven't slept in forever and keep making all the wrong decisions. I still love you baby. I wish you could love me back. |
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| A message for you |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|09:44 pm] |
If you're reading this journal, then a caution for you. Do not read this and attempt to claim you know me. This is but a journal and frankly no one really knows me because i've never really opened up to anyone. I hate people who claim to know others when they dont even know themselves. Excuses are only that, excuses.
Trust No One, Fight For Nothing, Believe In Nothing, Forsake All Others, And Find Happiness. Claim That You Will Let Things Be That Are Meant To Be And Never Try To Repair Anything Or Attempt An Effort To Change. This Is A Philosophy In Others And The World. Look Inside And Try To Deny It. Realize This Is What You Have Become. Alone And Shallow With Nothing To Say About Yourself Other Than Excuses. For Yourself And Actions Warrant Hatred. Cry For Nothing, Nothing Was Lost. No Attempt Was Made To Change This Mindset. Cursed For Your Pride And Lost Before The Fall. Judgement Comes From Yourself Now.
Welcome To The Seeming Endless Time Of Self Loathing. Your Due Suffering.
Expect No Pardon Or Escape Worthy Of Redemption. Forgiveness Is Your Godsend.
I'm doing alright I guess physically speaking otherwise i'm pretty well let's say I dont care about my birthday coming up because i'm sure i wont get what i wanted and frankly friends to spend a life with is not much to ask for. I think that might be a selfish request but everyone is selfish and i've never had anyone who didnt prove this to me at some point or another. Man that is depressing. Anyways, I'm done. Here's a song quote to try to figure out where it came from.
"Imprisoned, Inside this Mind. Hiding Behind the Empty Smiles." |
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| Confused in general |
[Jun. 23rd, 2008|01:31 pm] |
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Yeah i have no idea what's going on really at this point. I might finally get to start walking today .... maybe. I'm really down but i try to stay a good friend but it seems that is even too much. Wondering whether friendship is even possible at this point with the lack of effort from others. I guess if people dont want to try to be friends and expect me to be the only one trying to actually be friends then friendship really isnt there. My birthday is coming up and frankly its going to be the most depressing one ever or that's what i think. I do know that when i can i'm going to go on a binge and just drink away the time. Don't judge. I have my reasons and right now only a few people can even say anything and have weight to it. If you miss someone then call them is what i'm told but yeah. In other news, I'm hoping to go out on my day with my friends, get drunk, and not return home that night. Funny how i still try to justify things for others. Whatever Happens, Happens is a philosophy that i really have problems with but right now it might be my only one and people are not going to like it but honestly again most people have no right to say anything. An old habit that's hard to stop. yeah. |
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| Me? |
[Jun. 14th, 2008|09:38 pm] |
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| Time just keeps counting away |
[May. 4th, 2008|10:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
So i am sick and drunk but recently i finally got down to the core of myself and my thoughts. I'm a little nervous over the surgery about not coming to after going under. I have the motivation now that i lost and ironically its the same thing i had before. A lot has happened recently but you know what. You don't need to know unless you feel like you want to. Things are tough and life still hurts but now i know what i need to do with my life. I hope for the best for all the people i love. I know that i'll have to talk with my father before the surgery. I need to tell him all that has happened and how i felt so he knows i love him, but more importantly to tell him all the things i want if i should not awake. I dont want to sound pessimistic about the surgery. If i awaken then i have the determination now to overcome any obstacle. I'll be writing a letter to all of my loved ones before the surgery and telling my father my last request should something happen. I had a dream today that seemed like reality and i honestly woke up with tears in my eyes. i dont want to leave without saying my farewells. I have a hope now that even if everyone says is impossiblei will continue till my last breath. I realized what i have lost and will not stop trying to regain it. I hope that my father will understand why i need to do this. Mom if you are reading this don't worry. RAL I love you and hopefully i can see your face again and feel that warm embrace of mutual love. Good luck everyone on all your efforts. I hope to stand next to you again and face you for the first time. I don't want to have to regret not showing you me for the good and the bad but i promise to try my hardest before this world takes me under. Anyone who wants me to contact them before the date feel free to leave a comment and a way to get in touch. Should i not awaken do not cry but tell the good things i did for you. My only regret so far is not taking that leap of faith and listening to others before myself. <3 for you my love. |
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| You Lied Yet Again |
[May. 2nd, 2008|04:29 am] |
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You lied to me another time and i feel that you dont even know how much you are hurting me. How much these unfulfilled promises cause me to remember words from the past i believed showed what love you had for me. That they all seem exactly the same as this lie. How you justify your actions at all is impossible for me to understand. You are in the wrong and you need to accept responsibility or accept the fact you're still an immature child. If you want to show that you have any pride or honor at all then you need to prove your words and not just expect me to believe you on faith anymore. I hope you are happy with your decisions. I decide i will drink myself into that blackout sleep and finally escape the pain you caused. You have no right to judge me so don't even start. Love and friendship both seem out of your understanding and you have no justification for yourself especially based on your actions. Take your time to reflect on what i have said and what you've done for i don't want to have anything to do with you until you have done so. Whether you care or not is none of my concern since this "friendship" is on your shoulders to carry now. I will lapse into the sea of tranquility only to surface for a breath of harsh reality. For anyone who keeps up with this anymore, i can't promise you anything or offer you any help for i have fallen and have yet to hit that ground of unknown depth. I'm sorry for my imperfections but soon i doubt it will matter. |
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| Life Questions |
[Apr. 22nd, 2008|05:35 pm] |
I am:
Selfish,awkward,creepy,scary,dumb,scared,liar,fake,sad,stupid,ugly,unconfident,thoughtless, overdramatic,hurt,depressed,angry,solemn,questioning,asshole,unknown,untrusting,disloyal,disrespectful,inconsiderate,coward....
list goes on and this is how i see myself but the one thing that isnt mentioned is the fact that i feel unloved. Feel free to add to the list. Who honestly would want someone like me in their life? I wish i could get out of this mindset but it seems like i'm growing tired. I really do wear a facade i present to most everyone. Few have seen behind it and my previous relationships prolly have seen more than most. I wish i could take off this mask and not see the ones my heart holds dear jump back in fear or worse seem to completely leave my life. The question i lie awake at night pondering is whether i should try to show people i love who i really am but it seems that my worst fears are real now. I wish there was someone in my life who truly loved me and wasnt frightened by myself but stayed there and listened to my thoughts until my soul was alive again. Who honestly cared for me and wouldnt have a change of heart later on like so many others have. I thought i have found this person before but i still dont know. What i wouldnt do to have that person in my life and not fear betrayal. My life isnt completely chaotic but completely without meaning and worth. Trust is something i'm trying to believe in again. I just find myself going day by day without feeling alive anymore or seeing the point in anything. I continue to move through the actions because of other's expectations. I feel hollow inside except for what little heart i have left. Perhaps i should try to leave all others on the outside and let them enjoy their happiness. The mask is cracking but might hold long enough till i can at least be by myself and show my true self. Although it is sad to think that i might be alone when i remove this mask. I suppose the act will have to stop eventually. I can only wonder whether i will be joined by anyone when this happens or finally show who i am and feel that love i strive to give yet never recieve. |
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| I don't know |
[Apr. 19th, 2008|05:11 am] |
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Right now my life is filled with decisions left undecided. I find that my own self is going down a path i dont like but it seems like fate has decided this. external matters have become less important which leaves me with these internal decisions. How i feel was the center of my life but now i feel that my own emotions have become something insignificant in the world. I realize i don't have a lot of the answers i need and this has caused my life to come to a standstill. My thoughtas run in circles and i grow tired of my own existance. Should i forget my soul and rise to the point where i can be happy or keep what was dear to me and let myself wallow in this hell of my own design? The heartless path seems so easy. My strength has been severely destroyed. May God look upon me with sympathy for I am starting to believe i will continuously damn myself and find myself believing my own inferiority to everything. Goodnight people of sincere love and those against hypocricity. I pray for the time others can find my soul and reminc me why i care. Dear lord forgive me for my own undying love and allow me peace. |
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| This broken mirror.....see yourself, Patrick. |
[Apr. 8th, 2008|06:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | broken | ] |
| [ | music |
| | What Do You Do? Papa Roach | ] |
Okay so i'm not holding up that well right now. More stuff keeps happening and i just really want to ignore everything. I still haven't been able to come to a decision on my life and who I am. The feelings are still sharp and its getting to the point i'm caring less and less about what's happening around me. I'm really confused about just what exactly i should feel or how i should be thinking. I'm afraid i will lose someone dear to me and the guilt i feel for not being able to do anything is getting to me. I just feel like complete shit right now and it's been going on for too long. All i know is that this weekend is sounding good to me for all the wrong reasons. I've lost my motivation and what dreams i had feel dead now. there is no place now that i dont feel like this except for one. The one place i feel alive again is going to kill me. Too many questions i don't have the answer for and frankly i'm beginning to wonder if i should even continue trying. I'm not enjoying my life and i honestly am thinking i should just stop. Stop caring for anyone, stop being a friend for others, stop caring where my life is going, stop trying to live a life with any value, stop thinking about others and become someone who cares only for himself, stop allowing myself to be hurt. Is this the act of a coward? Something that i've been trying to resist so far in my life? Coming to an understanding as an adult with wisdom about what this world and life offer people or just damning myself to become a fool who lives only for himself until the day he dies? would that fool look back with regret or joy at his life? If there is a God then i'm hoping he actually gives a damn about me because whatever faith i had before this is crumbling away with each minute. I don't want to hurt anyone who actually cares, or someone who only think they do, with talking to them about this. I don't know anymore whether to bear this by my own is possible but at the same time i believe that maybe my greatest gift i can give someone is to not have me in their life. To not have them care for me or worry, which i doubt anyone does, and to live their lifes without me. obviously my image and opinion of myself is as bad as a broken mirror. Looking at this now, i can see a little part of my old self still but that means i have changed already, right? That little part that tells me to say goodbye should my life go beyond that point where i am no longer a caring person.
I got a one-way ticker on a hell-bound train
With nothing to lose and nothing to gain
Nobody ever taught me how to live
I'm feeling like I'm lost- like I'll never be found
I'm twisted and I'm turned around
Nobody ever taught me how to love
I'm hurting everybody I'm hurting myself
I'm desperate
So what do you do
When it all comes down on you?
Do you run and hide
Or face the truth?
If you were to tell me that I'd die today
This is what I'd have to say
I never really had the time to live
And if you were to give me just another chance
Another life, another dance
All I really want to do is love
I'm hurting everybody
I'm hurting myself
I'm desperate
When all is said and done you could be the one
With open arms and open eyes
You're jumping off the edge and hoping you can fly
Accept your fate for what it is
Into the great unknown
...got a one-way ticket on a hell-bound train
With nothing to lose and nothing to gain...
Yeah i feel a lot like this song so perhaps i should just let myself fade and we'll see if anyone is upset. Hope fades quickly but.....? |
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| This Day Is Coming To An End..... |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|10:35 pm] |
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i have returned to this site again. I had hoped i wouldn't. Oh well. Life has been really rough lately. Relationships all around are crumbling and i find myself alone again. How exactly i feel about this i dont know. I'm faced with a decision in my life right now that can change the rest of my life and i've been thinking more and more as time goes on. Today was a really bad day that showed me exactly how serious this decision is. It's not the only one either. I don't know how open to be on here but since really i'm by myself now. what to do is uncertain. I know that i need to face the fact that i need to make a decision but i'm still find myself waiting and this causes only more problems. I know i am depressed and that life will pass me by while i wait but i doubt that my identity as who i was will continue after this. Friends and support are totally different things. SHould i make that call, turn to a friend, wrtie that letter? I can't take losing another person in my life because they saw what i was like. I've lost too much in my life that really matters to me right now to continue losing things. I'm hesitating making these choices and that only marks the fact these are important to me if not parts of what defines me. The few people who are real friends of mine and care have asked me about what's going on and i cant tell them. I wish i could talk to someone without fearing losing them and have that feeling back of someone who cared about me and that i cared and trusted in return. I find myself unable to trust anything from others recently for a variety of reasons. A lot of emotions and thoughts are rising up and i find it difficult to think clearly because of them or are they there because of these decisions i am trying to face. Memories of people who are not in my life anymore keep arising. Things i failed to do keep reappearing. I wish i was home and could look through the photos and remember the good times along with the bad and be able to say goodbye. Whether to say goodbye is a key question I have. I have the feeling time to wait is quickly passing and a deadline is on the horizon. I don't care if anyone reading this thinks i'm being dramatic. If you actually were a friend then you would know that the fact i'm talking about this and the kind of person i am shows how important this is. If you want to run away then do so. I want true friends who dont go along only when the times are good. I will say that if you are reading this and you truly cared then thank you. You are one of the few that have showed me what good life holds. If you should notice a difference after i take the plunge, then goodbye my dear friends and hopefully we can still be friends afterwards. I wasn't the perfect person and i apologize for myself, but i shall always love you for being there in my life. |
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| Realization |
[Mar. 14th, 2008|12:16 am] |
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I realize that i might have a problem right now. I feel like i am depresses again and this time it is with reason. My heart aches so much but i fear that due to current circumstances i can not take the healthy path. I do not wish to be selfish but i think that i am human and have limits. Praise of strength of character only cracks this facade i show everyone. I want to have someone that i love and completely trust so much that i can expose myself in ways deemed unacceptable to most. I wish to open up and feel i might have lost my last chance to with someone. As i drink i know that alcoholism is on my family and fear that i am crumbling under the pressure and stress. i should write this on myspace. if this is a cry for help no one would hear it i think. |
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| Where the WIld Ones Die |
[Jan. 27th, 2008|02:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
Hello LiveJournal. I haven't seen you in awhile. How's it going? Well it seems like the old crowd is no longer here. Must have moved on to myspace or facebook. its strange to read over all these entries from years ago from a world that seems so different. Maybe i should return so i can look back and see how i changed as i have just done. Memories are here of the worst things in life yet perhaps there is a silver lining of hope. Most people have moved on and i know eventually i'll type in the address and you wont be here. So many years from people's lifes gone in an instant. Pain should die eventually and I believe that it must take longer than this. so much has happened and i am no longer the depressing self-centered bastard i used to be. I might still be this but hopefully not to such a degree. You are flawed my friend. You were designed as a journal where people could talk not only with friends but with themselves much like now, but instead you were full of judgemental sentiments from teenage children too distant from reality to understand just why they cried. I hope you dont take offense my former friend but i truly wish i could tear my pages out of you as the only copy and drink with friends as we examine the humility carried within you. Then burn each page as we mature to a level of self-consciousness worthy to write about. Except i would learn from my past mistake and learn to live life instead of writing about it to people who are in no position to advise. I will say this i thank you for keeping a record till now since my loving girlfriend joined and was able to see what i really am like and not shun me but accept me. Perhaps this is your redeeming quality. For anyone who still here, I wish you the best of luck in moving on for i have. Ryan if you ever read this i love you and find the idea of life without you more disheartening than the pain within this journal. Lets grow old and talk about each other to each other in person and make our relationship ours. |
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| Life Goes On With More Stones In The Path And Behind You |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|12:26 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Disconnected-By The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus | ] |
Nearing the end of my Freshman "year" in college. Meeting new people for the first time and some that i met years ago in my childhood. Fraternity life keeps me aware and alive with people i can relate to and not need to impress. I just got back in town from my Fraternity formal in Charleston, SC for the weekend. Good People, Good Places, and Good Drinking. That's what i call an awesome weekend. I took my new girlfriend with me as my date obviously and had a good time. I realize that the past is there for a reason and so i will be patient. I'm feeling my age lol as the big 20 is coming around the corner. College life is crazy but I don't want to leave. Alas, the wiser me knows I must return to Franklin. I feel as if this summer I may be able to put to rest some things that have bothered me. Life is bearable lol right now and i feel for once in my life a sense of freedom. I've been thinking lately and i got to say i'm truly happy that i am no longer going out with Lee. These next couple of weeks are going to be fucking insane as I wrap up the school year with about 50 close friends having a good ole time.
P.S. Unsure whether to delete this Livejournal. What do yall think? |
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| Demise? of what? what do you mean by rebirth? |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|09:53 am] |
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Alright, Hi people. Hope you are enjoying your summer. Work, New House, College Prep., and Girl Problems. Wow 19 seems to throw life in your face. Wanting a vacation but unable to decide where to go or if i can leave without causing an upset. Another year and another addition to responsibilities. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|02:55 am] |
| UCAUTION | | IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP APATHYBROTHER AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES. |
From Go-Quiz.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|06:53 pm] |
| You're a Romantic Kisser | 
For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet |
Okay was this for a guy or a girl?
| The Keys to Your Heart | 
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
okay.
| What Your Sleeping Position Says |
You are calm and rational.
You are also giving and kind - a great friend.
You are easy going and trusting.
However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games. |
awesome. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|06:19 pm] |
| Your Personality Profile | 
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
Hell Yes
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
I dunno. People tell me if this is true.
| Your Element is Water | 
Your power colors: blue and aqua
Your energy: deep
Your season: winter
Like the ocean, you evoke deep feelings and passion.
You have an emotional, sensitive, and spiritual soul.
A bit mysterious, you tend to be quiet when you are working out a problem.
You need your alone time, so that you can think and dream. |
Again i dunno.
| You Are Scary | 
You even scare scary people sometimes! |
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apathybrother's journal
